Monday, October 19, 2009

Writing's On The Wall

"When you believe in things that you don't understand,
then you suffer

I believe in the Leafs. I don't understand why, especially when they're this bad. And then, yes, I suffer, especially when they're this bad. But it doesn't stop me from believing that my believing and suffering will somehow help. Of course, it doesn't actually help, but I still act like it does. I guess you could say I'm a little bit - superstitious.

Can you make out this image? It's kinda grainy, dark, and fuzzy, and it sorta reminds me of photos of the Loch Ness Monster, or Bigfoot, or flying saucers. It's kinda fitting that it should be such poor quality because it represents the (sketchy at) best evidence that I've been able to acquire that proves that the Leafs are indeed CURSED.
Is this any better? Not really, now it's just a bigger blur. This image was taken from a still-frame of an obscure video on youtube, laser printed onto hard-copy white paper, digitally photographed using sub-standard Fido technology, then e-mailed across cyberspace, downloaded to a secure hard-drive and then uploaded to this blog page. You might question the wisdom of these methods, but please consider that many Bothans died to bring us this information, so a little respect, okay. We're dealing with the Paranormal here.

This will give you the best look of all at what I'm talkin' about. Pause the video at the 24 second mark and then again at the 25 second mark. Go ahead, I'll wait... What you're looking at is the NY Rangers third goal on Saturday, putting them ahead 3-0, effectively taking the Leafs out of the game. This is the goal that bothers me more then any other this season because for the life of me, I cannot figure out how this one goes in the net.

The two Leaf players in front of the Rangers' shooter are Beauchemin and Stempniak. They're doing exactly what they're supposed to be doing - lining up to block the shot. Their positioning is excellent. In fact, from my point of view, it's perfect. They've played it beautifully. And then... THE PUCK GOES THROUGH THE GOALTENDER'S LEGS!

I don't see how that's possible. I don't see a path along the ice to the net that would allow the puck to reach MacDonald without hitting Beachemin or Stempniak. There just isn't one. I've watched the video again and again - and again, and again. I even watched the referee to make sure he didn't throw a decoy puck into the back of the net. I just don't understand how it went in. And yet...

The goal was scored by Michael Del Zotto, an Ontario-born teenaged-rookie, playing his first game in Toronto, in front of 70 family members and friends. That's how it happened - that's EXACTLY how it happened!! There's your explanation. It was, as it always is, destiny.

Watch the video again - the puck actually loses material substance and form, right before your eyes, and DISAPPEARS, only to REAPPEAR on the other side of Beauchemin and Stempniak, directly below MacDonald's open legs and then into the back of the net. It didn't go through their sticks and skates - it wasn't even there! Spooky shit. Some goalies would like to have that one back, but you can't control fate and you can't fault a goaltender when there's nothing any mortal could possibly do. It works the same way for returning players in their first trip back to the ACC - did you see Tucker's goal against the Leafs last Tuesday? After he scores, he tilts his head back and looks up at the ACC ceiling with reverent appreciation. Tucker knows the score...

This is pretty serious, folks. I don't want to downplay this at all. The Leafs have an infinite amount of bad luck. It truly is a Curse. It's magical - Black Magic of the evilest kind - and it's more powerful then the... what? Watch another video? Seems highly unusual, but I suppose...

What the heck was that? Was that Ian White saving a goal? But the shooter was Colorado's Matt Duchene, another Ontario-born rookie playing his first game in Toronto, and that would have been his first NHL goal! And Ian White stopped it...!

Oh. My. God.

It's the 'stache! That freakin' mustache has the power to defy destiny! White didn't even have a grip on an NHL career until that 'stache came along. What wonders! It's a miracle. A MIRACLE, I tell you. Hey, wait a minute - what happens immediately after the Del Zotto goal? Oh... my... Less then 30 seconds later, Ian White scores a goal, the only Leaf goal of the game. Well, I don't need any further proof. I know the answer. I believe in the Mustachulence!

Good Golly! That hockey puck threw itself at Ian White's face after he scored that goal! Behold, the power of The Curse, and yet, behold, the power of the 'stache is greater! White went down but he got back up. The Curse went for a knock-out blow against its greatest challenger but the 'stache wouldn't stay down.

Again, I don't want to understate the importance of these cosmic events. This is an epic battle being waged to regain spiritual control of Leaf Nation's karma and fortune. I suggest that EVERYONE should start growing a mustache today - even the women and children. If you can't grow at least a half-decent mustache by Saturday night, then wear a fake one. We need everybody on the same page and pulling together in the same direction. Together, we can break this awful Curse - with mustaches!

Defeat The Curse.Grow Your 'Stache.


Robot Godzilla said...

Maybe Mike Garter or Jamie Macoun can come back and serve as mustache coach/head of mustache operations.

Unknown said... what you're saying is that we need to hire THIS guy to play net?

Great stuff, mon general.

. said...

I have had one for a while now, and it doesn't appear to have made much of a difference. Though, I suppose its mainly because I CAN'T DO IT ALONE! C'MON PEOPLE, REVERSE THE CURSE - SMASH IT, MOUSTACHE IT!

Easter Seals said...

Absolutely fantastic.

kidkawartha said...

I've heard that Jason Blake is physically unable to grow one and the Vesa refuses because the style clashes with his wardrobe.

general borschevsky said...

Thanks for droppin' in Robot Godzilla! Love your screen name. Mike "30 Goals" Gartner or "Crazy Legs" Macoun would be good additions, but the guy you really want is Lanny McDonald. Oh Baby, yes.

Hey Heroes! Cheers. That guy creeps me out a bit. I don't like the way he says "...ninety-NINE". Could be a little bit of subconcious negative association there.

Awesome comment, Harold. Perfect slogans for the posters and t-shirts. Phase II is complete.

Cheers LeafAndLion! Much appreciated.

Well kidk, it does seem like Toskala and Blake are at the centre of the Leafs dysfunction. You may have stumbled on to the reason why: Antimustachulence.