Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Well, It's Not Gonna Be That Guy

Lately there's been some discussion about who the next Captain of the Maple Leafs will be if Mats Sundin decides not to return. So rather then think about the players most qualified to wear the "C" (Kaberle), instead I decided to work from the bottom and go through a process of elimination. However, listing reasons why they would be unsuitable is too easy, so instead I've tried to come up with the best arguments for the worst choices you could make. Not meant to be taken seriously. An exercise in anxiety release. It's pointless but it feels good.

Mark Bell should be Captain of the Maple Leafs.
He has had to battle through tough times and overcome adversity, and is (hopefully) now a model citizen. No stranger to accepting responsibility, Mark can be counted on to lead in a positive manner (from now on). The best reason, however, is that he smoked Daniel Alfredsson. Making Bell the Captain would be the sweetest icing on the cake/kick in the crotch, and might drive Sens' fans over the edge.

Jeff Finger should be the Captain of the Maple Leafs. He has a powerful and impressive sounding last name and has already earned a legendary "mystique" in hockey-mad Toronto. Also, his huge contract justifies the added pressure and expectations he'll receive from the fans and media, so it'll be a comfortable fit. Despite not having played a single game as a Maple Leaf, Finger is already one of the most talked about players on the team, yet he's maintained a cool, even elusive presence. This is the only photo of him in existence.

Carlo Colaiacovo should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs. This is basically the rotating Captain idea, except officially, only Carlo is named. Everyone will get a chance to pass it around all year long though as Carlo watches from the surgery ward's recovery room. His blood and guts effort, along with his inevitable sacrifice will inspire the team to raise the level of their game, again and again.

Jason Blake should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs. Blake is a former 40-goal scorer, a Masterton trophy winner, and a veteran leader who knows how to lead on a losing team. Blake has played 8 full seasons in the NHL and has appeared in 590 career games in which he's fired an incredible 1,809 shots on goal. Blake has also seen action in 24 playoff games in his career and has scored a total of 3 career playoff goals. Wait, that can't be right... No, it is. 3 playoff goals. Jason Blake commands respect.

Jiri Tlusty should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs. Tlusty is a young star who is popular with the media and isn't shy in front of the camera. No stranger to the spotlight, Tlusty has created excitement and widened fan interest with his colourful personality, passion, and inhibition for attention.

Bryan McCabe should be named Captain of the Maple a mock ceremony with hidden camera's and paid actors pretending to be fans and media, then everyone yells "Surprise! You play for the Florida Panthers now!" Just to see the stupid look on his stupid face.


PPP said...

Just to see the stupid look on his stupid face.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Oh wow. That made my day. F*ck, that was funny.

Down Goes Brown said...

Tlusty being named captain would make Damien Cox's head explode.

So... let's do it.

general borschevsky said...

Hey cheers, PPP!

*wonders how to roll out a red carpet and look cool at the same time*

Always welcome in the General Areaaaaaaaa!

*trips and falls backwards into a plant*

DGB: Scientist debate if Damien's head will ever explode. Some suggest it might just get bigger and bigger and bigger and continue expanding forever, until it becomes what it believes itself to be; a universe unto itself.

Navin Vaswani (@eyebleaf) said...

love the picture of Carlo...watching from behind the glass...just classic...

general borschevsky said...

Cheers eyebleaf! Glad you noticed that one. In all seriousness, hopefully Carlo won't be doing much of that this year.

bkblades said...

In all seriousness, hopefully Carlo won't be doing much of that this year.

Nah, he'll find the view high atop the press box much more safer. Zing!

general borschevsky said...


Thanks for stopping by, bk.