Saturday, December 13, 2008

Live From Leaf Nation, It's Saturday Night!

For the first time ever, a simultaneous posting! As if there's anybody who reads this blog that doesn't read PPP, but just so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle over there, and to pad my post total for the month over here, a double presentation of the exact same post!

This is going to feel like a long weekend, but not in a good way. I'm very happy with the way the Leafs played last night in Buffalo, and while I don't normally want them to play on back-to-back nights with travel, there's an aching desire to see them play tonight that won't be fulfilled. Except that it's not an aching desire, it's the natural order of things and the unpleasantness that I'm feeling is that order being disrupted. A Saturday night in December without the Maple Leafs is like Christmas without Santa. Like Halloween without candy. Like Wheel of Fortune without Vanna. It's like, what's the point? I waited all week for this. I had plans! I was going to watch hockey. And not just any hockey - not 2 boring conference rivals with marquee players battling for playoff positions - heck no, I was going to watch the Leafs! That's what I do every Saturday night in the winter. Those are my plans and I can't change them now.

This is a hot topic for me that I've touched on once before. Being "poor" means that I don't pay for cable, and that CBC is the only TV station I can watch that shows hockey, and Saturday nights are usually my only opportunity to see the Leafs play on "the big screen" (my TV) and not on my wife's Mac. This month alone, there are two Saturday nights, tomorrow and the 27th, that are devoid of Leaf hockey. December is a cold, and cruel month where the days keep getting shorter and darker. Enduring two Saturdays without the Leafs is unfair at this time of year and something need to be done to ease the suffering.

I think whatever the Leafs are doing Saturday night, the CBC should be covering it. As a Canadian taxpayer, I have a right to demand that CBC program what I want to watch, and on Saturday nights I want to watch the Leafs, even if they're not playing. Screw the NHL! And screw the Habs and the Senators as well. Whatever the Leafs are doing Saturday night, I wanna be there. It's not even about hockey. It's about me and the Leafs and Saturday nights.

So then I got to imagining what the Leafs might be doing. I doubt they'll all be hangin' out together, but it would be cool if they were. The CBC should do a show like that with all of them just hangin' out on a Saturday night in a big house, watching TV, watching hockey, talking about stuff... maybe not. An even better idea would be some sort of American Gladiators/Battle of the Network Stars/Extreme Elimination Challenge show, with all of the Leafs competing in hilarious obstacle course competitions. Man, that's like the best idea I've had in ages.

So what are the Leafs going to be doing Saturday while we're all not watching them? Here's a look at how they might take advantage of this rare Saturday Night Privacy (Hopefully this will inspire future fan-fic material from LD and Archimedes.):

Wilson: Would like to have a nice relaxing dinner and maybe go see a funny movie, and if you approach him and want to talk about hockey he will disintegrate you with his death stare.

White and Hollweg: Are gonna watch some old Kung-Fu movies, drink a few beers, and trade 'stache-grooming secrets.

Antropov and Ponikarovsky: A camera will be set up on a tripod. One will sit on one side of the room eating cheeseburgers and the other will sit on the other side of the room, also eating cheeseburgers. Then a conversation will take place, very slowly and deliberately, analyzing which cheeseburger was the most satisfying. Then they will realize that the lens cap was still on the camera and they'll have to do it all over again. Later, Ponikarovsky will vomit in the bathroom while Antropov watches motorcycle racing on satellite TV. The video, meanwhile, will be labeled "Antro/Poni/CheeseburgerDiscussion/Vol.459" and put in a vault with the others.

Moore and Mayers: Will be signing autographs, making public appearances, visiting children in hospitals and orphanages, also the mall, and generally letting people know who they are and reminding them that they play for the Maple Leafs.

Stajan: Will be at home smoking dope and reading comic books by himself. X-Men is his favorite, but he also likes Fantastic Four. Kaberle will try to call him around 10:30pm, but Stajan never picks up the phone after 9pm.

Kaberle and Kubina: Have plans to rent a movie and hang out but an honest misunderstanding with a hooker and her pimp prevents Kubina from ever making it to the video store. Around 10:30pm Kaberle gets tired of waiting for Kubina and calls Matt Stajan but there's no answer. Dejected, he goes home and decides to ride his exercise bicycle while counting backwards from 5000 to 1 and then goes to bed. The next morning, Kubina wakes up in his car, not sure what he's doing on a side street in Pickering, or why there's an extra 200 dollars in his wallet.

Blake: Will spend the night playing with his very own custom created Jason Blake Action Figure Doll with Fist-Pump Action-Arm, reminiscing about his greatest goals, and especially about the time that he would've punched a small child wearing a Leafs jersey in the face except for the glass that got in the way.

Hagman and Grabovski: Plan on making various mixed drinks using whatever exotic fruits they can manage to cut open. Grabovski is really the creative genius here while Hagman documents his art with still photography that he publishes on the internet.

Schenn: Will spend the night in meditation, cultivating the mystical and cosmic energies of the universe into one all-powerful force within him, ready to be unleashed at the appropriate time in the first round of the playoffs.

Frogren: Will host a great feast for his people, welcoming the various tribes of his clan with songs of glory and honour, and entertaining them with tales of conquest and debauchery.

Van Ryn, Mitchell, Kulemin, Toskala, Stralman, Sifers, Williams, Finger, and Cujo: Are going to get together for a game of open-air shinny, over at Withrow Park, which is right near my house. That's where I'll be too, playing alongside them in the cool night air, laughing joyously at the freedom of playing our own game, for ourselves, for fun. No refs, no score, no pressure, just the sounds of skates cutting through ice and pucks bangin' off boards echoing through the neighboorhood as we lose track of time and who we are, and play on and on until the lights go out at 11pm. Afterwards, our faces flush and glowing from the cold and the exercise, we'll all walk back to my house together. where, as I say goodnight, Van Ryn, Mitchell, Kulemin, Toskala, Stralman, Sifers, Williams, Finger, and Cujo will wave goodbye together, and break into a spontaneous chorus of He's A Jolly Good Fellow. As they turn and continue their merry way down the street, skates slung over sticks, resting comfortably on their shoulders, I notice Van Ryn extend a warm smile to Kulemin and say, "Don't you wish every Saturday could be like this?"

Into the night, go Leafs, go.


general borschevsky said...

Ah! I forgot about poor old Lee Stempniak and Andre Deveaux. If anyone knows what they're doing, or has their cell phone numbers, leave a comment and I'll update the post.

Jennifer Hammer said...

I don't know what Stempniak or Deveaux are doing, but your post is epic. I love it. I tried to pick my favorite "what are the Leafs doing this Saturday night" to tell you it was my favorite, but they're all awesome.

. said...

even more brilliant the second time around.

Navin Vaswani (@eyebleaf) said...

I love how Stajan doesn't pick up his phone after 9PM. And I love the Blake bit.

Great post, General.

general borschevsky said...

It's Hammer Time! Thanks, "shultzie"!

Cheers, Harlord, and welcome. I've really been enjoying your site, Vintage Leafs. Thanks for the kind words.

Cheers, eyebleaf! Too bad we never found out what Lee Stmpniajk got up to.