Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Dream Team (Part 3): Major Fan Related Misgivings

Greetings once more, Sports Fans, and welcome, yet again, to the 3rd edition of our completely miscalculated 2-part series, The Dream Team. Credibility is as good as random chance around here and so we forge ahead ignoring our lack of fresh ideas, frustrated that nothing else at all has happened.

The Final Roster

There are a few management additions, and one line-up change. Plus, we've listed the first 3 lines together as 5-man units.

Wendel Clark (Captain) - Doug Gilmour - Dave Andreychuk
Borje Salming - Sylvain Lefebvre

Salming and Lefebvre move up to the first line to provide stability and consistency. This group will see a lot of ice time and will be on the ice at the beginning and end of every period.

Alexnder Mogilny - Mats Sundin (Assistant) - Nikolai Borschevsky
Tomas Kaberle - Danny Markov

Markov takes Mironov's spot beside Kaberle and this tandem then becomes the perfect fit for the second unit. A distinctly European blend of poise, intelligence, and creativity, this line will be constantly on the attack, and always exciting to watch.

Darcy Tucker - Darryl Sittler (Assistant) - Rick Vaive

Bill Berg - Alyn McCauley - Gary Roberts
Todd Gill - Al Iafrate

Felix Potvin - Curtis Joseph

Mironov is the odd man out (for now), and coming in to replace him is fan favorite, Al Iafrate. He'll play with Gill as the Leafs try to win every game, 6-5. Sittler's line will probably rotate through the 3 defensive pairs based on game-situations and special assingments. Gill and Iafrate, meanwhile, will likely see a lot of time backing up the checking line, especially when the coach needs 5 guys who can stir things up.

extras - (F)Owen Nolan, (D)Dimitri Mironov, (G)Damien Rhodes
coaches - Pat Burns, Kirk Muller, Mike Foligno
GM - Pat Quinn, Special Assistant to the GM - Joe Nieuwendyk
President - Cliff Fletcher
Executive Vice-President, Corporate and Community Partnerships - Chemmy

Kirk Muller and Mike Foligno join Pat Burns behind the bench and Joe Nieuwendyk joins the management team as a special assistant to the GM. (weird, eh?)

All games will be held at Maple Leaf Gardens, but I'm not giving back my seat, they'll have to get new ones. There will be a corporate VIP lounge, however it will be super-exclusive, astronomically expensive, and buried 30kms below the surface of the earth and won't have anything to do with hockey.

Leaf fans (as opposed to soft-drink addicts) will be rewarded with Fan Appreciation Nights every Saturday. Each fan will receive a souvenir Leafs cap that they can throw on the ice after a Leafs' hat-trick or at the end of the game when the Leafs lose. Also, Leaf-legend, Ken Baumgartner will be on hand to greet each and every fan into the building with a handshake. Any fan wearing a Maple Leafs jersey will be given a gift certificate for another one, and anyone wearing a tie will be asked to remove it.

All pre-season home games and practices will be free and open to the public. And, because we care deeply about penny-less children, 500 seats for every home game will be dedicated to youth-at-risk, and low-income families, available through our Corporate and Community Partnerships program (MLSE VP CEO, Chemmy). Contact us to see if you qualify, and we'll send a soda-pop representative to shake you upside-down and make sure you really haven't got any money.


Chemmy said...

I wouldn't let poor children watch the Leafs, I think you've gotten me all wrong.

*goes to sleep on a pile of money*

general borschevsky said...

(standing ovation)

Jaredoflondon said...

What if its a Maple Leaf Tie? Or a Tie Domi Maple leaf Tie??

I have both.

general borschevsky said...

jaredoflondon: Thanks for dropping by! You will always be welcome, even if you were to wear a strange silver motorcross helmet. In fact, we may have a job for you in communications in charge of our press releases. Tie Domi, on the other, wearing a "Tie Domi Leafs tie" would just be too absurd. Him and Dash can park cars across the street.

Chemmy said...

Everyone below me is fired.

*hires friends and family*

*signs Jeff Finger*

general borschevsky said...

Sign Jeff Finger to do what? I think you're overstepping your role as Executive Vice-President, Corporate and Community Partnerships.
But I like your spunk, kid. You've got moxie!

*slices it to the left of the fairway, 50 yards from the green*


Jaredoflondon said...

Press releases eh? I think I can handle that. Me arguing with myself in a drunken stupor would probably be an improvement over what they have now.

Note to self: buy Chromed out motocross helmet

Norte said...

Two words: Bell Moto

general borschevsky said...

Two words: Hi Norte.
Two more: Linguistically inefficient.
One word: Perplexing.
Five words: Welcome to the general area.

(TM, everybody.)