Monday, August 10, 2009

Nope, Not Gonna Be Him Either

Do the Toronto Maple Leafs need a Captain? Are they ready for one? Do they have anyone that qualifies? This post is really a sequel to last summer's smash-hit, "Well, It's Not Gonna Be That Guy". Maybe it'll end up being a series. Running with the same theme, I'm not really looking for the right choice, but trying to present the best arguments for the worst choices you could make. An exercise in anxiety release. Not meant to be taken seriously.

Lee Stempniak should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs.
Great leaders are often responsible for deeds that go unseen or unrecognized. Many would suggest that there must be more to Lee "2 for 1" Stempniak then meets the eye. Not one to showboat or draw attention to himself (in any way, whatsoever), Stempniak quietly, rather, silently goes to work without flare or quarrel, or even a solid physical form. Putting a "C" on his sweater would help the fans recognize Lee's omnipresent contribution, and so would giving him a red and yellow helmet with a windwheel on top.

Matt Stajan should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs.
Stajan is from Mississauga, and damn'it, that's local enough. He had 40 assists last season, and double-damn'it, that's a lot. While maybe not a legitimate top-six or bottom-six player, Stajan is the prototypical middle-six forward. Meaning - he eats up a lot of quality ice-time in between the stuff that happens, allowing the game to flow without a whistle at a steady pace. Stajan is the team's media darling and Toronto's MSM writers would certainly react to "their choice" with euphoric elation and dangerous levels of intoxication and fornication, perhaps ending in tragedy, though no one would actually use that word.

Mike Van Ryn should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs.
This is just an opportunity to recycle my old Carlo jokes: Blood and guts effort; inevitable sacrifice; the whole team gets a turn at the rotating captaincy as Van Ryn inspires them to lift their spirits again and again, from the surgery ward recovery room.

Rickard Wallin should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs.
Rickard Wallin is a centre, and he's from Sweden. Not much more to it then that really. We should also let him wear number 13 - just to see what happens. Just to see what it feels like. Seems to possess remarkable decision-making capabilities.

Ian White should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs...
...for possessing facial hair truly worthy of a Captain. Really, we're giving the "C" to White's mustache, but it would look ridiculous dangling from his lip so we'll sew it on to his sweater. I personally really like the idea that when a contentious call is made, Wilson can send White over to the referee with the instructions, "Tell them to explain it to the mustache".

Vesa Toskala should be named Captain of the Maple Leafs.
Naming goaltenders the Captain is totally in vogue right now, and being in vogue is totally the Vesa. Hey, why not let the goaltender have completely all the pressure? He can handle it. The weight of the world is nothing compared to 21 hockey players on your back. Being on the ice for the entire game gives Toskala the unique ability to influence its outcome. When the team needs a big hit, or a sustained attack, Toskala will be there on the ice - usually 180 feet away from where it needs to happen... and unless, of course, it's the final minute and we actually need a goal, in which case he'll be headed to the bench, to lead the team from there. Hmmm... maybe this one needs to be thought out a little better. People in Vancouver must be high as kites 'cause I'm really stoned and I still can't imagine how a goalie can be Captain.


kidkawartha said...

"with euphoric elation and dangerous levels of intoxication and fornication, perhaps ending in tragedy, though no one would actually use that word."
I certainly couldn't come up with a word to describe an orgy between members of the traditional Leaf press, and I never, ever will. My dreams are haunted enough as it is.

general borschevsky said...

Hey kidk! It is a pretty horrible thought. "Unholy debauchery" is the only expression that springs to mind.

Sleep well.

sleza said...

At least The Vesa seems to know how to handle Sens...